My Brain.

My mind operates in a rather amusing way when it comes to deadlines, especially those of the academic sort. What happens is that the moment I find out precisely what day and what time I must hand in a particular essay or project, my brain engages itself in a frenzy of calculations and considerations. Following this, it completely shuts down and forces me to play video games, read books, or write for fun. The Horror.

Obviously you’re wondering what sort of calculations are being considered before this outage, but I’ll be very honest here and tell you that I’m only half-conscious of what these computations are. In reality, what my brain is internally calculating is the precise amount of time that is necessary to finish said essay or assignment. It would be rather nice if my cognitive buddy could also inform me of this estimation, but it does no such thing. Instead, I’m only vaguely aware that something deep within the recesses of my mind has created the essay, in it’s entirety. The ‘cool’ thing is that the fucker has locked the goddamned thing and won’t let me see it until I have reached that exact moment in time where, if I actually ‘begin’ writing, I’ll always be done 2-5 minutes before, or after, it’s due.

This is my life.

I used to get rather stressed out about this, especially in my first semester of University. I was absolutely determined to begin planning and executing all of my projects weeks ahead of time, but my good ol’ brain would allow, at best, a sentence or two, before I’d suddenly become distracted by a butterfly, my carpet, or my imaginary flying teddy bear best friend, Teddy the Bear. For three hours.

Thus in my first semester, I spent a large portion of it trying to trick my brain. I’d wake up early and try to force it to work on my essay, in the hopes that it would be too tired to distract me. What ended up happening was that I played a lot of Team Fortress Classic from 6 AM onward, and then I was tired and grumpy for the rest of the day. I even tried nonchalantly approaching the essay topic, by pretending I was writing about something else, and then suddenly trying to engage with my given assignment. I usually ended up with charming tales of puppies that float and meet quizzical cats of arbitrary colors. In the end, ultimately, I could not outsmart my brain, and so I surrendered to it’s quirky antics.

Flash forward two and a half years later. I’ve come to accept the nature of my brain, and because of this, I have grown to become a master of the procrastinessay. I didn’t realize how good I had become at this until this morning, when I realized I had an 8 page essay, with research, due at 11:30 AM. In reality, I knew that it was due, and I had been pretending to work on it the night before (this is considered relatively early for me to begin work), but then I got into a two hour discussion with a friend who’s doing his Christian seminary in Calgary about the nature of Church, and then I played Sins of a Solar Empire with my cousin and fell asleep after that. In fact, I even set my alarm clock for 7 AM, so that I could wake up and work on the essay with some slight leeway, but I quite literally slept through the alarm clock and woke up at 8 AM instead.

The curious thing was that I just managed to finish it, sprinted to the classroom, and hand it in. 3 minutes early.

Don’t ask me how this ability of mine works, because I really can’t explain it myself. I suppose, in a way, it also contributes to my sheer inability to worry or fret. Potentially I’m approaching some kind of determinism or nihilism, where it’ll get done if God wills it done, but I think I’m just lazy, handsome and carefree.

In reality, I was going to do a tiny bit of writing on Christianity, but I think I’ll save that for next time. For now, you get this piece of writing that has you all wishing you had your 5 minutes back.

Suckers.

The Death of the RPG.

When it comes to gaming, I must say that I lead (past tense here) a rather sheltered life. For me, RPGs were the only genre that I could play, and I executed this dogmatic approach with an extreme degree of success. In hindsight, I must admit that I was extremely lucky, because the late 90’s / early 2000s were, in my opinion, the epitome of the RPG age. In those days, gaming companies were rather limited in their graphical repertoires, and therefore had to focus most, if not all, of their efforts upon brilliant storylines, fun gameplay, or in most cases, both.

This was an age of Chrono Trigger, Mario RPG, Bahamut Lagoon, Shining Force, Final Fantasy Tactics, Ogre Battle, Soul Blade, Secret of Mana (and subsequently Seiken Densetsu 3), Final Fantasy III, Actraiser, Legend of Zelda: Link to the Past (in retrospect, that pun is rather painful), Rocky and Pocky (hur), Secret of Evermore, Earthbound, Crusader of Centy (Sega), Lunar and it’s remake-as-a-sequel, the highly underrated Spike McFang, and a massive plethora of other RPG sprite-based games that engaged players in hundreds to thousands of hours in gameplay (if I’ve forgotten a game, I’ve probably played it, but I’m not an encyclopaedia of nostalgia here).

It’s rather saddening these days to see the shift away from this type of mindset, and the focus upon graphical engines with storylines glued on as an afterthought. Don’t get me wrong here; there are still some dazzling gems (Disgaea, Kingdom Hearts) out there, but when I trundle into my local Electronics Boutique these days, there is no sense of awe at the sheer amount of unexperienced RPGs that I’ve yet to play. Does anybody recall that feeling? In the past, I’d walk into a video game store, and simply gawk at the sheer beauty that only a wall of Squaresoft games can engender. Now you walk into these same stores, and you’re greeted by things like Devil May Cry, where some phantom spectre grades you on how cool you look while killing things, but is suspiciously absent when I’m wondering who it is I’m killing with these awesome rated combos. Nowadays, the only RPG Company for whom my heart makes that familiar little skip-beat is Atlus, which is saddening. Not because Atlus is bad, because I’m a firm believer that they are producing games equal in quality to ye olde Squaresoft, but it’s saddening because there is nobody else out there producing these things.

I suppose this is simply a sign of the times; we as a people are moving towards faster things, faster ‘instant’ gratification, if that can be understood. As a gamer myself, I suppose I too have evolved over my years and years of gaming. In this regard, I believe that I have to give an extensive amount of credit to my cousin Mike. He is, I suppose you could say, my gaming soul mate, if that makes any particular sense. We have been gaming for upwards of 15 years together, and he’s been the one responsible for introducing me to every single gaming genre outside of my RPG niche. In a sense, I could also say that he’s the one responsible for saving my gaming hobby as well. The RPG market was drying up to what it is today, but every time I lost interest in gaming, I was saved by my cousin, who, on those special occasions once or twice a year, would eagerly introduce me to games like Ragnarok Online, Final Fantasy XI, Counter-Strike, Gunstar Heroes and Guilty Gear. It’s taken me awhile, but I realize now that what endeared these games to me was the fact that I could play them with friends, instead of by myself. I suppose this is also a sign of the times; as our global community grows, our appetite for social interaction spreads to every facet of our lives.

I suppose we are also witnessing the death of the old-school RPG. There are a few flagship games out there, a la Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts, but by and large, more and more of ‘this year’s anticipated game,’ falls directly into the lap of multiplayer monstrosities like Halo, Gears of War, Super Smash Brothers, World of Warcraft, Rock Band, Warhammer Online and such. It’s depressing to see such a legacy of gaming turn into this, I’ll admit. A part of me, the book reader, the writer, the creative side of me, yearns for the olden times in which a game had real depth to its characters. I doubt anybody can reproduce the anguish one felt when Aeris died in FF7, or the real sense of epic responsibility that infused the player when experiencing Chrono Trigger, or even the hearty, authentic chuckles that Earthbound got out of me when crying in the corner was a viable form of action in combat. These days you get games like Neverwinter Nights 2, where your best friend gets killed, but one can’t remember her name, five minutes later. Or you have games like Hellgate: London, where I’ve been playing for an hour to two hours, but I have no idea why I’m doing what I’m doing, except these fuckers won’t drop my Legendary Gun from whatever orifice hides such items of splendour.

Yes, a part of me is incredibly saddened to see this aspect of the video game wither and die like a crack baby. But then, I glance up from writing this article and recap those brilliant Rock Band moments, up at 5 AM, consuming beverages and breaking guitars, or those long philosophical chats I can have with my cousin while commandeering a scout ship around a solar system in Sins of a Solar Empire, or even creating ‘Fisty Rangers’ in Neverwinter Nights 2, punching things and trying to prevent friends from taking my much deserved and undeserved loot. This was a run-on sentence, but you’re also fat. Thinking of all of these times in which I would not have been able to enjoy the company of friends in tandem with the company of games, I realize that while I am rather saddened at the loss of depth in my fantasy RPGs, the ability to pre-emptively loot someone’s +5 Sword of Stabbing, even though you can’t use it, is a pretty decent tradeoff.

P.S. To the creators of Hellgate: London stating “who gives a fuck,” about LAN gaming in a broadband age: you are mentally retarded. Perhaps you may not have experienced the intimacy that only a LAN can offer, but sometimes we just want to play on our own little server with 5 ping. Sometimes we want to be able to pause our game and go get some pizza. Sometimes we want to play in areas where there is no internet. Did you think of this? No? Die.

P.P.S. If anyone knows how to LAN on Hellgate: London, please inform me, and I will name my first and secondborn children after you.

His Dark Materials; pretending to know what I’m doing.

Aside: Do understand that reviews are essentially an individual taking his opinion, physically manifesting it into the form of a delightful animal of achingly cute cuddliness, and then launching it – at extreme speeds – into your face. A review appears to be innocuous by definition, but understand that the moment you read it, or open yourself up to it, it will affect you. Should you agree with the reviewer, the review will simply reinforce and strengthen your position, thereby making it that much more difficult to engage your mind in any other avenue of interpretation. Good? Bad? You can decide that, but do understand that Jesus Camp operates in this manner. Fanatical Christians surround themselves with those of like mind, and this, in turn, fuels their stupidosity.

Should you, on the other hand, disagree with my review in a similarly stubborn manner, and therefore decide to ravage and devour the kidneys of all disagreeable reviewers, please do so on the grounds of the review itself. My opinion is simply my opinion; it is neither more valid, nor less valid, than your own. If you get ulcers because I don’t agree with what I believe, please let me know, so that I can point, then giggle at you.

I ask that you take my review with many grains of salt. All individuals understand and interpret books in many different manners, simply due to the fact that we were raised in different settings with different customs. If I’m being illogical, then punch my firstborn child; but if it appears I’m being a rational person you simply don’t agree with, then en guarde! Engage me, and I will disembowel you with my handsomeness.

His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman.

When I was reading the books (over the course of a few days), I originally noted that they were relatively shocking in theme. You have to understand that I mean shocking in context. I walked into this vaguely expecting something of a children’s novel. I had watched the movie (rated PG-13) and from what I had seen, it felt like a happy little story of animals, like Narnia, but with freakin’ sweet Polar Bears. Thus, when I opened the book and discovered, to my delight, a young 12 year old girl smoking, I wobbled.

Understand that I wobbled not because I believe this will subvert all of our children into smoking. When I lived out in the boondocks, I had a nine year old acquaintance that would traverse our school yard and smoke used cigarette butts. Nay, I did not wobble because, frothing at the mouth, I screamed ‘normal children don’t do this!’ at the book, nor did I wobble because I thought that this book could brainwash said ‘normal children’. I wobbled simply because I had an accepted notion of what specific books could, and could not, speak of.

Aside: By the way, parents who blame video games, movies, television or books for ‘brainwashing’ their children’ are stupid. It is, ultimately, up to the parent to teach their children the difference between reality and imagination, as well as the consequences of our choices. If you should decide to become a parent, the criteria for being a ‘good parent’ is not dependent upon how much you want to have a kid (as much as some may believe), but it’s how well you can teach your child and your ability to guide their adolescent years. Raising children is not a laissez faire type of engagement, where you simply keep band-aids and food handy and let them sort themselves out (this is often a hit or miss). Nor is a child like balancing fifty plates on a stick on your chin while standing on a rubber ball; constantly correcting and touching and coddling and beating will destroy their will. A child is a plant; you water them (sometimes) you help them stay rooted and straight (sometimes) and (very rarely), you speak to them to help them along.

Then you eat their tomatoes.

Anywho, I was surprised simply because Phillip Pullman had created some very real children. Good parents and ignorant parents alike may disagree with this, because their children don’t act like this, but you’ve got to understand that Lyra and friends are uneducated, stubborn creatures with copious amounts of confidence and swagger. They have simply been set down in an environment and then left completely alone to raise themselves with the slight guidance of their elders. The way in which Lyra acts; occasionally selfish, usually in very stupid ways, and often with an extreme stubbornness, is the result of her environment, and, to me, strikes me as extremely authentic. What I wasn’t expecting was, in all honesty, an author who would be unafraid to represent his character in this way.

Almost always, authors try to make their characters as endearing as possible. They act heroically, logically, rationally, and in very ‘good’ ways. Lyra, on the other hand, is stupid a brat with lots of hypothetical ‘balls,’ and Phillip Pullman wanted to achieve this. This book was created to challenge the norms of a Christian society, and some of these norms have been internalized within our minds. The themes that Pullman deals with; sexuality, death, life, heaven, god, adolescence and maturity, are shocking because our society implicitly avoids speaking of these topics, especially if it’s a children’s book. Not only that, but if we do talk of any of these subjects, we create beautiful euphemisms that make us feel fine and dandy inside.

Phillip Pullman shocked me because he defied these norms and tried his hardest to represent these themes untouched by our Christian theology. Death is simply death, blood is blood. If someone is shot in the neck with an arrow, there is no puffing away of his cuddly animal to represent death; he’s going to bleed. A lot.

In reality, that’s what this book is about. Pullman might have set his characters into a fantastic world, but he’s actually trying to represent society and people in a truer form than how we view ourselves.

But did I like it?

I’ll be honest, I actually didn’t like it when I read it. I love the themes of it, and the idea of it, but in an entertaining sense, there’s too much happening, too quickly. I hated Lyra, but Pullman managed to create her well enough that I ended up thoroughly liking her. The pace of the story, however, just zipped along. It felt a lot like Pullman was standing there with a checklist, ticking off the things he needed to get done. I thought that the movie moved entirely too fast, but I attributed that to the concept of book to movie transformations. In reality, it seems as though the book is simply written in this manner. While I really did end up enjoying the series, I’d have to say that its largest glaring weakness is its depth, or lack thereof. Fix this, and I will grant you my firstborn child.

P.S. NATALIE PORTMAN AND SCARLETT JOHANSSON IN A MOVIE. TOGETHER. LESBIANS. NOT REALLY, BUT THE POTENTIALITY DRAWS ME LIKE A FLY TO A FLAME.